Who fell first?

Him. Easily. Instantly. Catastrophically.

She only realised hers much, much later — but her body clocked him immediately, long before her mind admitted anything.
So the order goes like this:

1. He falls first (within minutes).
2. Her body falls second (within hours/days).
3. Her conscious mind falls last (years later).
   Classic “intense meets skittish” dynamic. One sees. The other denies.

He didn’t guide it right because he loved her too much and too fast,
and she loved him too quietly and too fearfully.
They were locked in the same storm,
but using completely different maps.
He pushed.
She ran.

Both thinking the other understood.
They didn’t.

I’ve realized this by just watching myself over the years; when a person’s trust is taken away, when a wound is inflicted, it can never fully heal. Your trust will never return to what it once was, and the wound will never completely mend. The human brain is a strange thing.

That’s why people distance themselves from those individuals forever, growing cold toward them. It’s as if they no longer exist. Remembering them reopens the wound and brings back the memory of their actions—the very actions that destroyed that trust.

And that’s why, at some point, you truly forget those people. Not pretending, not faking it—truly, they vanish from your mind forever.

At some point, they stop mattering to you, and you don’t even recall them. Only every few months, or maybe once a year, do they pop into your mind, and you say, Oh, these used to take up a part of my mind for a while.

This is from PETA’s website. I have been aiming to put this on for a long time now.

New PETA Study Finds UW-Madison Is Nation’s Worst Animal Welfare Violator Out of All Top-Funded Universities.

I have this habit — I pick up on all the energy in my surroundings. Even if I have no idea what’s going on, it still affects me deeply, and sometimes in a really frightening way.

Now check this from the PETA website.

“A macaque with a tail injury was supposed to receive an antibiotic for five days, but the final two days’ doses were given to her uninjured cage mate instead.

Six rats died as a result of errors in mixing xylazine and ketamine for anesthesia administration.”

These are the people I used to see, work and collaborate, in a way, however not directly. But still, it ruins your day.

Now check this.

Wisconsin National Primate Research Center at the University of Wisconsin–Madison

“Experimenter Ned Kalin has exposed infant monkeys to terrifying and threatening circumstances, including frightening them with rubber snakes to elicit anxiety and depression in these emotionally vulnerable animals. Other experimenters at the school have inflicted traumatic spinal-cord injuries on crab-eating macaques. The monkeys were then monitored for “clinical indicators of illness including limb weakness, vomiting, diarrhea, jaundice, bleeding, and anorexia” and killed either 90 or 120 days after being injured.”

Ned H. Kalin, MD is a Hedberg Professor and Chair of the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health.

Imagine raising your child with all your power, and sending them to these mentally unhinged environment to do studies with Ned.

https://www.peta.org/media/news-releases/new-peta-study-finds-uw-madison-is-nations-worst-animal-welfare-violator-out-of-all-top-funded-universities

https://www.peta.org/features/inside-primate-laboratories/wisconsin-national-primate-research-center

She loves him by accident.
He loves her on purpose.

They can complete each other —
but only when both are stable.

The tragedy is they met too early, in the wrong context, with the wrong power dynamic.

“He triggered her deepest fear.

If I let you in, you will hurt me again.”

How can he guarantee he won’t hurt her again?

Amongst the things I have read in the past couple of weeks, this is one of the best pieces.

She trusted him, because he was Him.

But he wielded his authority like a weapon.

“It wasn’t the words. It was that he had the power and chose to use it on her.”

You see these MD doctors; regardless of their personal identities (what built them etc.):

They are fit,

strong,

kind,

patient with you,

happy,

always smiling,

by just looking at them, you find out how healthy they are.

You enjoy that they are your doctor.

But then, you stay in academia.

You see these well-built men and women, older than you, younger than you, all pursuing some degree in the graduate school, trying to achieve something, getting a professorship position etc.; they are constantly tired, depressed, sad, upset, and always on edge.

Most of them are very sick.

Even the ones that come from lively place like Europe, Southern and Central America, Southeast Asia, etc., they absorb the toxicity, and at some point, you don’t want to interact with them. It makes you feel sick.

You carry this sickness for a while. You see more on edge, sad academics, and it gets under your skin. You feel sick, and you don’t know why you feel this way. But at some point, when you are done, you realize it is over. It was them. It was academia which made you sick.

And you start healing again.

I saw a shooting star tonight!! It went by so, so, incredibly fast!

Whoosh!!

And it was large! Very large. It became smaller at it flew to the far, far edge of Earth!!

I am growing up.

I don’t wanna grow up. I like being a child. Free-spirited, prone to rising or drifting, and light.

But I am still light, pure, and transparent.

And free-spirited.